Traveling is something that people love to say they love to do. Those poor bastards. But they know what they're in for. Yet like a stoned lab rat, they keep coming back for more. Whenever they get time off, it's off to the races to figure out a way to plan something they can go do somewhere they love or somewhere they haven't been yet that piqued their interest. Those who are lucky enough to be able to travel more than once a year rave that vacations purify their mind, body, and soul. It's something that should be done more frequently by everyone, in most experts' opinion. But what are the best ways to travel and which works best for whom? Let's break it down and maybe you'll take some advice from an old well-traveled bloggin' fool who has reluctantly been there and seen most of this crazy rock we're currently spinning on. The first one that comes to mind is what, for the purposes of this post, I will call Destination Trips. Destination Trips are the most common way people travel, but not necessarily the cheapest. They realize at the last minute that they are going to get time off, and then rush to book something online. Usually this is done through one of the many online booking agencies that tout their product online. They pay per night for their hotel at full retail price and then they move on to the next website that will sell them something else they need for their trip, like transportation. They usually end up paying for this last minute nature of their booking dearly. This stems from the procrastinating and plan-lacking nature of some people who are either just too busy to plan or just plain lazy. The online travel agencies' are familiar with this part of a human's nature and prey upon this to put lots and lots of dollars in their coffers daily. They also know the vast majority of the general public will Overpay for a room or a flight by simply feeling like they received a discount. Using on-site notifications and banners by every property of "Just Reduced" or "30% off" for example, the common traveler will be hoodwinked into paying on average a few hundred up to a thousand extra per night depending on the property or airline. The travel industry just loves and is delighted with the gullible nature of the average traveler. Shiny Object Syndrome is quite a moneymaker for the travel powers that be. However, as an elemental idea, Destination trips are about spending some days at a particular city or region. Once the severe outlay is performed, you actually get a decent few days to relax and explore somewhere new. You get to see the tourist traps or sights, spend some time emulating the quasi-cultural stereotypical air of the area and parroting catchphrases in the particular tourist zone, all the while enriching the locals instead of enriching yourself. It's great. Well, all this sounds extremely fun, but how can I add a degree of gripping claustrophobia to the mix, along with the feeling of being the main protein in a forever-stirring soup? I know, I can take a Cruise! Cruises are a special breed of annoyance with the ever-comforting feeling that you will not be able to escape under any circumstances. Just ask this guy. You spend the whole year accumulating those off days within the trap of the system until you become so delirious to actually tell yourself that this year you will forgo terra firma altogether, only to willingly fall directly in the trap of the Biggest Sharks in the ocean. And no, they're not the Great Whites, you deluded marine biology flunkie. They're the cruise line companies. Just the breed of ingrates, called crews (Oh, the Homophonic possibilities to this travel option are second-to-none), that these floating institutions seemingly manufacture and then have the utter gall to put in charge of you when you choose to hand over multiple days of your life and your freedom to them, should have been enough to tell you that maybe there could have been a better idea of a way to use your only time off in the year than spending it as the peon in a real-life "Lord Of The Flies" reenactment. Not a math wiz, but I'm sure that International Waters + No Jurisdictions + trapped on a barge at sea + the barge is not in your control + Carnie-reject-art-class-flunkie-simpletons with no law enforcement training/experience with protocol in charge will have no possibility of Equaling out to surefire seafaring shenanigans on the high seas. All the while quelling a building sinister anxiety that you'll end up LeoDicaprio'ing on a piece of rogue floating debris with gas station booze and luxurious microwaved seafood, relieving yourself in a bag while you and your family dry your tears on identical towels that read "Well, at least it was cheap". Plus the Hors D'oeuvres are literal crap. Red Bag of shit, anyone? The next best way to travel is somewhat better than the rewarding experience of swashbuckling with Somalian pirates. The All-American Staple. Old Reliable. The Road Trip! Grab all your stuff and jump in that fuel efficient spacious super-compact gas-sipping Aveo that's definitely not already filled with a bunch of baggage of stuff you overpacked and will not use at all during your trip while you gradually learn how much you hate everything your family does (Oh, the smells in this option are second-to-none. What the hell are they eating at school?). You tried to avoid food in the car the whole year only to make it all up now in spectacular fashion with an 18-hour professional volleyball game with chip crumbs, liquids, and child vomit as the ball. The family staple of the Road Trip is an institution that will always exist, like Jail, and is a rite of passage of sorts that will reveal so many things about your resiliency and what a human being is capable of living through. Survival of the fittest except you're likely the fattest. That poor Aveo. "Are we there yet?" is the chant you will hear over and over until you lose your proverbial stuffing, or you forget where "there" is. And where are you going? To a city just like yours right in the backyard of your hometown with all the same stuff, but that takes so damn long to get to in that Aveo that you'll wonder why you let the tree-hugging phase the kids are in screw you into buying one. Way to save the planet, idiot. This was originally supposed to be the greatest travel blog post in the world, but trying to write the travel promoting post of the century made me realize something, on second thought. And that is that traveling is great, but it's about what type of travel you choose to do. And honestly, it seems like before you convince yourself and your family to go globetrotting, the first type of travel that you should do is to take some time off and go to the best place you can travel to: the dining or living room of YOUR HOUSE to get you some food or TV. Take a free vacation and expand your horizons by taking in an Episode of "Dog" with the whole gang.
No research, no constant feeling of getting screwed over at every turn, no comparison. Literally. We're already forced by Mr. Cable Monopoly and his ugly hat to pay them for internet, so we can look up a picture on the web sites if we want to see the world. Forget this post, I'm going to go hug my wife and kids and order a pizza.
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Etienne Waqar
It's me. Just a citizen of the world. A nomad with a computer and a duffel bag. Living the dream. |